Through all the hard times I clung to my faith in God.  It is my belief that only God can create life.  I knew that God had a plan for me, and that I didn't want anything that wasn't in His will for me.  I refused (REFUSED!) to pray for a baby if it was not God's will.  I learned a hard lesson early in life that when you pray for things that aren't God's will for you, sometimes He says yes to teach you that His ways are better than your ways.  I also learned that praying about things you want, and waiting to see what God has for you is the best possible thing you can do.  He always gave me something better than I ever hoped for if I just prayed about it and waited on Him.  I always prayed that God would give us a baby, but only if it was His will for us.  

I remember that I would look out the window of my second story bedroom window at the sky, with the words to the Avalon song "Adonai" running through my head.

One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
A world in motion

You're out beyond the furthest morning star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms

Adonai
I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the Rock of Ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous

You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me

Adonai
I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

From age to age you reign in majesty
And today you're making miracles in me

I had no more words, just a pain filled heart.  I just lifted up my heart to God… He knew what was inside, and I just could not speak the words anymore. 

This song called "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne also really spoke to me through these hard times.

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered "peace be still"
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

This is a good place for me to pause and tell you what an amazing husband Rogene was through all of this.  He was the exact perfect combination of support, interest, and love.  He never judged, never blamed, and remained the voice of reason through all our infertile years.  I'm very lucky to have such an understanding, loving and supportive husband.

We finally came to a point where I got such a huge cyst on my ovary that I had to have surgery.  It couldn't be avoided any longer.  I was referred back to Dr. Meticulous (He was an in plan doctor now!  Woohoo!)  since nobody wanted to damage what little fertility I might possibly have left.  He did some testing and said it would be a major surgery, might take 3 or 4 hours, and he might not be able to do a laparoscopy but might have to do a laparotomy (cut me wide open similar to a cesarean section surgery).  I had no choice in the matter, because the pain was overwhelming.  So despite the TERROR I felt we scheduled the surgery.

I remember sobbing as they wheeled me on my gurney into the operating room.  When I awoke from the previous two surgeries I had been in excruciating pain.  I thought that was the way it always was when you woke up from surgery, and I was terrified.  I should tell you that when I woke up from this particular surgery, which was my biggest surgery to date, I had NO PAIN.  ZERO.  People, that is what pain meds are for!  I don't know what went on after my first two surgeries, but clearly, something was wrong.

The surgery went well.  I had stage 4 endometriosis and it took Mr. Meticulous 4 hours to clean it up.  He also took out the large cyst, and some uterine polyps.  It turns out that the endometriosis had completely ruined my left ovary and fallopian tube to the point that they had to be removed.  So I woke up to the news that now I was 50% less fertile than my already 0% fertile self (does that equal -50% fertility?).

Recovery from that surgery was difficult.  I was totally sick, got dehydrated twice and had to have IV fluids, was nauseated and throwing up for nearly 4 weeks.  I had so much abdominal pain it was unreal.  I lost 25 pounds in two weeks.  I even thought one or two times that I might die (I'm dramatic like that).  Rogene took such good care of me… poor guy, I was pretty helpless. 

When I finally started feeling better BOY! did we celebrate.  We had so much fun, and stopped worrying for a short time about babies and infertility.  We did some travelling, went to some concerts and summertime fairs. 

Around that time, I found the Avalon song "Dreams I Dream for You" on a CD that we had had for a long time.  I think God led me to find that song, and really listen to the words at that exact right time… like a gift from Him.  I felt like He was speaking the words to me, urging me to let go of my plans, so He could show me His perfect will.  Here is the part of the song that really spoke to me…

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to
More precious than the finest things you knew
And truer than the treasures you pursue
So let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from your view
Then take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you

Then fall came (my favorite time of year), and with it an overwhelming desire to have a baby.  I remember one very important weekend in my life where I just started crying on Friday night and never stopped all weekend long.  I couldn't even leave the house I was such a weepy wreck.  But that weekend I made the decision I had been putting off for 5 years.  I didn't want to do IVF, didn't want to EVER go back on fertility drugs, didn't want to go to an RE ever again, and I was finally strong enough to say that.  I was ready to "drink deeply of the dreams God dreamt for me" even though that meant letting go of the dreams I had for myself. 

Did you ever see the movie Pilgrims Progress?  Where the heavy backpack the pilgrim carried was lifted from his shoulders at the foot off the cross?  Well, I had one of those moments when I released myself from my self-imposed obligation to try to have a biological child.  I actually felt a burden lift from my shoulders when I made the decision to adopt.  Physically I felt lighter than I had in years.  I had grieved for the biological baby that I would never have, and was ready to let go and pursue adoption…. not as a "second best" choice, but as the exactly right choice for my husband and me.  I was no longer angry over what I would need to go through to adopt.  I finally had peace!  Peace about not continuing IVF and peace about adoption.  Ahhhhh!  Finally some peace!

**Part 3 coming soon**